if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
