I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
