she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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