You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
