Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Randomize
