He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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