she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
