i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
