would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
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marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
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They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times