he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
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On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
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That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.