Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
