I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
