I think I died a long time ago.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
