Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
