Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
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pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
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I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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