Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
