i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
