One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
