Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
