do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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