I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
