oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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