Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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