last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
