When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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