Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
