Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
