I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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