I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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