You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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