I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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