Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
