he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
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i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
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Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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