i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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