Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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