I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
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Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
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Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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