dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
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