i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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