u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
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maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
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The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize