I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Say something about gay babies.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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