After last night, I could never be a politician.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
