You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
