i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
