I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
