This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Randomize
