so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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