So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
