I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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