I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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