Umm I'm too high to move.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
