I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
