How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
