I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
