So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
