How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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