**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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