with your own penis?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
