Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
