chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
