so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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