Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
