What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
