"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
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